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If you're tired of feeling never enough, of constantly being derailed by your own fears or the reactions of others, then you are in the right place. I'm Deb, a licensed psychologist, and this is Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to women who've spent their lives trying to stay within the lines of what's acceptable, who've never felt good enough and who are ready to break free and bloom. Let's talk about how you can build a solid foundation connected with your strength and your wisdom. Before we start, I need to make sure that you know that the information I share with you is just that. It's just information. It's not meant to be a prescription for what you should do or meant to replace the advice of any of your healthcare providers. It also doesn't mean that we have a professional client-therapist relationship.

 Hi there and welcome. I'm imagining that if you know me, you may have been surprised that I started off last week's episode with the word “but”. But I do care what people think. My editor noticed it.

And those of you who have been my previous clients or who have read my book may have been surprised that I used “but”, knowing that I encourage people to use the word “and” rather than “but”. I went back and forth with using it, and I finally decided that those were the words I would be most likely to hear, and so that's what I went with. 

And I decided it might be worthwhile talking about the idea of using “and” versus “but”, especially since in the last couple of episodes I've been talking about being in the middle, and the middle is the place of both and. “And” is really about the idea of inclusivity and the ability to hold both rather than an either or perspective. 

So and is often reflective of being in the middle in relationships or of having our whole brain on board and being in a balanced state. And let me back up. 

I was first introduced to this concept long before it made any sense to me. When I was in my doctoral training. Part of the training was to experience group therapy. In this particular group, the student leaders made the use of the word but unallowed. As you can imagine, most of the group's time was spent with the leaders asking members to without using the word “but”.

 I can tell you it was really frustrating, and I had no idea why they were doing this. And it really negatively impacted my experience of being in a group for therapy, which was sad as since then I've learned through experience how powerful group therapy can be. Looking back on that experience, it's interesting that now I am such a proponent of substituting the word “and” for “but”. Why? Because using it nudges us to see that there is more than one side to an issue, that things can be this way and that way, that there can be truth in both perspectives. It helps us to be in the middle, to keep our whole brain on board, especially in relationships. There are so many problems with not doing this, and let me come back to that. 

Let's just take a moment and think about the experience of hearing the word but in a sentence. How does it leave you feeling? Are you convinced that the part of what they said before the word but is true and what they really think? Or does it seem like the but negates the first part?

I think most of the time we can almost tell when a “but” is coming. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop or to hear what the other person really thinks. For instance, what happens “hearing good report, but it was short on facts?’ Do you hear it was a good report?

Probably not. I would probably be focused on what the person really thinks is that I didn't have enough facts. I wonder how it changes it hearing this was a good report and it could use more facts. Both are true. good report and more facts would help it. I'd probably change the sentence to this is a good report and adding more facts would make it even better.

I realize that much of this has to do with tone, and the word but changes the meaning. I'm wondering if you would have used the word but in that sentence that I just said. By using the word and, I'm hoping that my reader, or in this case, my listeners, will understand that both are true, that tone is important, and the word but often changes the takeaway from a sentence. 

The word “but” in the midst of two ideas usually results in an erasure or a negation of the first part of the sentence. For instance, the food was good, but it was too spicy. Do you believe the person thought the food was good?

To me, it sounds like they're trying to be nice and that they really didn't like it because they thought it was too spicy. when we use the word “and”, we're practicing working on the erroneous belief that many of us have and that I talked about in my last episode, that sameness equals love. I'll put a link in the show notes for that episode.

 For those of us with an entangled intimacy style where my worth gets tangled up with the reactions and judgments of others, the use of “and” is a really good practice as we have usually learned that to be okay we need to think, feel and be the same as what others are or expect of us. If if being thin is idealized then I am okay if I'm thin. If my parents believe one way about something and I have different beliefs this often keeps me hiding the truth about myself either appeasing so agreeing with them not to make waves or disconnecting so that I can be myself and not disrupt our relationship. 

The use of the word but reinforces the idea that one way is good and the other not. And so this concept is particularly important in working on separating our worth from the opinions and reactions of others. You are entitled to your opinion and me to mine.

Others can disagree with me and what I believe can still be right for me. And we can still care about each other or respect each other depending upon the type of relationship.

When I struggle with holding on to the idea that both can be true, I'm bound to be pulled to either appeasing or disconnecting, either agreeing with you so as not to make waves or to disrupt our relationship or to be disapproved of, or disconnecting from you so that I can be myself.

“And” helps us learn to hold on to both. You may not believe that my choice to not work outside of the home is a worthwhile choice for a woman and I know it is right for me. If I can hold on to both, I can be myself and maintain connection with you.

Take a moment and think of a time when you noticed a difference and ended up appeasing by trying to explain your position. Explaining is another way of saying but. So going back to the example I just used about choosing not to work outside of the home, if I'm pulled to appease in relationships and I know the other person believes women miss out by not having a career outside of the home. I might find myself saying something like, child care was just too expensive, or I'm just doing this for a short time. Or I might respond in an angry way, leading to a disconnect in the relationship. Or I might choose to avoid that person so I don't have to deal with how that difference impacts how I feel about myself. 

Using the word “and” helps us to hold on to the essential truth that we can care about each other and see things differently. I can be okay even if you don't think I'm okay versus one way of thinking being true and the other false. 

Substituting the word “and” for “but” really changes how I feel when I'm writing or speaking. It feels more inclusive. I'd encourage you to experiment with it and see what happens. Don't be surprised if it doesn't feel right or normal in the beginning.

 remember my group experience. When I was writing my book, my editor struggled with my use of those words. And that's why we decided to put an explanation in the intro of the book. My editor is wonderful. I love working with her. If you are in need of an editor, I'll put her contact information in the show notes. 

And we went round and round about this in the beginning. She would write, I think this needs to be “but”. Or are you sure you don't mean “but”? It was really easy for me to understand her reactions as I remembered my group experience. Now she usually puts a smiley face when I go back to that unconscious habit of using the word “but”. There were so many years of practice with that. And the use of “but” in sentences is certainly built into our language. Whenever something that I write is auto-edited, the “ands” that I use are changed to “buts”, and I have to go back and change them.

When I'm writing, I don't mean for one idea in the sentence to detract from the other. They're both true, and that's the reason I've used “and” rather than “but”. I'm wondering how much less conflict there might be if we could learn to use and or think in those terms. If I could be me and you could be you.

Would it help us to keep our whole brain on board so to be in a better place to work out our differences? I suspect it might. And again, I imagine both are true. Sometimes this might be helpful and other times not. As I said in the beginning, one thing that is required in order to see the both and is being in the middle or in a balanced emotional brain state. 

When we are tipped, we just don't have the capacity to see someone else's perspective or to hold on to our truth in the face of criticism or disagreement. And if one person is tipped, it is very likely that the brain of the other person will detect this and very, very quickly match that brain state by going into defense.

I think one of the things I may come back to in another episode is how uncertainty can lead us into a defensive state where we end up feeling more certain than we would at other times. Certain that there's only one way of thinking about things or seeing things. And I'm going to stop here for today.

I'd love to hear what you notice if you start using the word “and” to replace “but”, so be sure and reach out to let me know. take good care, and bye bye.

This has been Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to supporting you in blooming into all you are meant and wish to be. If you enjoyed it and gained value, please consider leaving a review, as it will help other women to find it and please share it with anyone who would benefit from it. And if you would like to be notified when new episodes become available, be sure and follow on your favorite podcast app. Until next time, how will you light a candle of self-acceptance? Because you deserve to be you, even if others disagree.