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If you're tired of feeling never enough, of constantly being derailed by your own fears or the reactions of others, then you are in the right place. I'm Deb, a licensed psychologist, and this is Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to women who've spent their lives trying to stay within the lines of what's acceptable, who've never felt good enough and who are ready to break free and bloom. Let's talk about how you can build a solid foundation connected with your strength and your wisdom. Before we start, I need to make sure that you know that the information I share with you is just that. It's just information. It's not meant to be a prescription for what you should do or meant to replace the advice of any of your healthcare providers. It also doesn't mean that we have a professional client-therapist relationship.

Hi there and welcome. I have had quite a rough week. Well, actually it's been an awful week. It started with physical symptoms, and as often happens, physical stress soon triggered emotional stress. This morning with somewhat of a clearer perspective, I realized that I've been tipped for most of the past week.

Well, actually, I've been in the desperate state for a good part of it. Being in the desperate state is not very conducive to getting a podcast episode prepared. Usually when I sit down to make notes about what I want to talk about, I have so much to say that I have a hard time limiting myself. This week hasn't been like that. 

It's Saturday and I still don't have a plan. I started out with the plan of spending this episode continuing to talk about feelings and how we can use our feelings to bloom outside the lines or to be ourselves in the world. I just couldn't get anywhere. I must have started 10 times, and I just couldn't pull it together.

Nothing I thought of felt good enough. In fact, that was the theme for this week. Nothing I did seemed to go well or to be good enough. I'm wondering if you've had times like that when it seemed like no matter which direction you turned, you couldn't do it well enough or do it at all. It's not very much fun, is it?

I wish I could say that I've moved out of the place of not feeling good enough as I prepare this, and maybe it's okay that I haven't, so that if you are or when you are in a place like this, you know that you're not alone or the only one who feels that way. I'm definitely feeling better than I was yesterday.

And this week, it has all felt like too much. Running away seemed like a great idea, except I couldn't figure out how to do that either. What I realized last night was that I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what other people think about what I'm doing, especially whether people are enjoying and gaining value from this podcast. 

I was spending a lot of time trying to decipher Apple's analytics. Another thing which I couldn't do very well. I kept looking at my Buzzsprout account to see if my download numbers were changing, Then I started thinking about my courses.

And what if they were a total waste of time and no one really liked them or found value in them? Then I started reviewing relationships that hadn't gone in a way I expected them to go.

That took me even further down. Next, I started on my body and the changes that have happened over the past three years, leaving me with a body that I don't even recognize when I look in the mirror. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I wasn't supposed to get an old woman's body. Ha, that's what you thought I hear.

On and on I went, examining one failure after another, sinking further and further into despair. Here I am at this stage in my life, and I'm not really good at anything.

It didn't really hit me until I sat down this morning to attempt one more time outlining this podcast that gosh, I've been tipped this week. 

my old wire about measuring up in other people's eyes, in this case through my podcast, to determine whether I was good enough or lovable had lit up. And then in an attempt to help me be prepared for this danger I was facing of not being good enough, my brain matched that feeling with all the other areas that maybe I should worry about. Like, watch out, you may not be good enough in that area either.

To give myself a bit of grace, I've been struggling with some pretty intense physical symptoms this week, and physical stressors are stress just like other types of stress, and they can easily tip us. So I want to be kind to myself and show compassion that of course this has been a tough week. Of course I was tipped. 

And of course once I was tipped, all my other fears let up. That's just the way the brain works. So here's what I was realizing this morning. I'm probably never going to be good enough. And what would that mean anyway? That I was finished? That I no longer needed to continue learning and growing? Like I was finally the finished product?

It makes me chuckle thinking about that. That doesn't really seem very realistic or what I would want for myself. I also realized or really reconnected with as my higher cognitive capabilities came back online that I will never be good enough in everyone else's eyes. Yes, I would like to offer a podcast that feels supportive and encouraging.

And not everyone is going to find it to be that way, to be encouraging or supportive. Yes, I would love to hear what people think. And how often do I take the time to share the value I gain when I listen to something I really enjoyed? Not very often. And does my not sharing diminish the value of what was offered?

Of course not. I started coming back into balance last night when I was reading a novel before falling asleep. In the novel, the woman was making soaps and candles for her shop. I ended up going online on a quest to learn how to do that. Learning has always been a great way for me to return to balance. This morning when I woke up and I sat down, to organize this podcast episode, all of those tabs were still open with ideas and recipes for making soaps. Then it hit me. Throughout my life, I've always had creative outlets. In high school, I sewed all of my clothes. I had the sewing machine set up outside in the sun and I was in heaven.

It was one of those times when my parents had serious concerns about me and my well-being and why I would find enjoyment in such solitary activity. ⁓

As I reflect on the last year, that part of my life has been missing. I've been channeling it all into my podcasts and classes, which is fun and creative. And it also has an evaluative component to it. It's not me simply creating to be creating.

I don't know what that means for this podcast. I guess we'll both have to wait and see. What I do know is that I need to bring joy back into my life in whatever way my body will now allow it. Maybe I'll learn to make soaps or candles, or maybe I'll go back to designing clothes. 

Or maybe I will continue creating courses with the information clients have found to be useful over the years and also share those ideas here with you through my podcast. I don't know yet. I'll have to find out.

That's all I have for you today. I'm off to learn about making soap. I'm wishing you moments of joy and also compassion for those rough times when hope seems to disappear and we find ourselves trying to find our value in the reactions of others. Take good care until I talk to you again and bye bye.

This has been Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to supporting you in blooming into all you are meant and wish to be. If you enjoyed it and gained value, please consider leaving a review, as it will help other women to find it and please share it with anyone who would benefit from it. And if you would like to be notified when new episodes become available, be sure and follow on your favorite podcast app. Until next time, how will you light a candle of self-acceptance? Because you deserve to be you, even if others disagree.