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If you're tired of feeling never enough, of constantly being derailed by your own fears or the reactions of others, then you are in the right place. I'm Deb, a licensed psychologist, and this is Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to women who've spent their lives trying to stay within the lines of what's acceptable, who've never felt good enough and who are ready to break free and bloom. Let's talk about how you can build a solid foundation connected with your strength and your wisdom. Before we start, I need to make sure that you know that the information I share with you is just that. It's just information. It's not meant to be a prescription for what you should do or meant to replace the advice of any of your healthcare providers. It also doesn't mean that we have a professional client-therapist relationship.

Hi there and welcome. Today I want to start talking about feelings and how we deal with them. This is such an important topic, both for learning how to keep our whole brain online and functioning, and also for each of us to know who we are and what is important to us, and for trusting our wisdom, in the face of so messages about who we should be. So I will definitely be coming back to this. In this episode, I'm going to touch on two ideas for keeping difficult feelings from swamping us or keeping us spinning because our system has tipped into defense.

Why is this important? It's important because when our system is in defense or when we've tipped, our capabilities are limited. the very qualities or capabilities that we need to move out of feeling overwhelmed or stuck in our feelings have been made unavailable to us through the actions of the stress hormones.

I'm not going much time really at all in this episode talking about those changes while we're tipped. And if you'd like to learn more I go into detail about how our brain changes during a defensive response in my online courses, which are actually half price right now.

One thing important to know about being tipped that I talk quite a bit about in my course on dealing with worries is that while we're tipped, because parts of our brain have been inhibited by the stress hormones, we lose track or we forget how capable we are. And because of this, we end up feeling frantic unnecessarily. capabilities are still there. They're just inaccessible to us while we're in a defensive response. 

And as I said, I'll talk much more about this in another episode. And I don't want to stray too far afield from these two ideas for working with feelings that might help to prevent a defensive response or tipping. 

The two ideas are really intertwined and stem from our tendency to think of feelings as our state rather than simply feelings. So let's start there. Take a moment and think about how you describe feelings. Do you say, I'm sad? or I'm angry? If so, you're not alone. I've been talking about this for years and I still hear myself or see myself writing it that way, all the times I've talked about this. It's just so much a part of our language. 

And why is this important? I know it might seem nitpicky or just semantics and when we merge with our feelings, or another way of saying that is when we identify with them so when we say, I'm sad or I'm afraid, rather than I feel afraid, it's likely to get the attention of our nervous system, especially if the feeling is a pain feeling, a feeling that brings up some kind of discomfort or pain versus feelings like gratitude which tend to bring with them a sense of reward. 

And that's how I like to think of feelings rather than thinking of them as good or bad, because all feelings are useful as their messengers. They may not always be being triggered by factual information, and they are a signal or an indicator that something is going on internally.

Saying that reminds me of a client who described this idea of feelings being messengers as feelings being like the check engine light in her car. The light gives her the message or a clue that she needs to get more information about her car. it's kind of the same thing with feelings. The feeling is a messenger about something that we might need to pay attention to. 

One of the problems with merging with our feelings is that, going with my client's analogy, when I say I am sad, it's like I'm the car rather than the driver noticing the check engine light or noticing a feeling that indicates that something needs attention. I hope I'm explaining this in an understandable way as viewing feelings as feelings rather than who we are is so important.

Observing the feeling as a feeling allows us to stay connected with our strength. It allows us to stay separate from what's going on so that we can notice and take care of ourselves. And I'm going to come back and talk about that more specifically in another episode. I started to do it in this one and it was just turning out to be too long. 

Saying I feel afraid that or I feel angry that, in the blank, gives us specific information about what we need in order to care for ourselves. just to get a better sense of this, think about a friend coming to you for support, and she's crying, and she's looking sad.

I doubt that her saying to you, I'm sad, would be enough for you to know how to comfort her. Maybe initially, I'm imagining that you would share compassion, caring with her, and then wouldn't you be waiting for her to say what triggered the sadness so that you would have a better idea of how to support her?

The same is true for us saying, I feel sad. It doesn't give us very much information. we simply need start applying what we already do, those same skills of understanding, caring, kindness and curiosity about what's going on that we offer to those that we care about to ourselves.

We do that by staying separate from our feelings, by seeing our feelings as feelings, by saying, I feel sad that rather than I'm sad. We get much more information and it allows us to observe rather than be in it. The other problem with merging or over-identifying with our feelings is that we're under the illusion that whatever we're feeling or identifying with is the only feeling that's there. I'm sad and that's me. Can you relate to that? When in reality, in any given moment, a multitude of feelings are available to us.

Wherever we are shining the light of our attention, that's what we're going to notice. And if that's all we notice, that's going to have different consequences than if we are noticing spectrum of feelings that are there, So the caveat with this is that when we are tipped, the parts of our brain that allow us to feel a wide range of our feelings, especially the feelings that bring reward like joy or gratitude or compassion, those abilities are all being inhibited by the stress hormones. And so we won't be able to feel those feelings until we take steps to regulate our nervous system.

Awareness of a wide range of feelings instead of simply focusing on one feeling may help us avoid getting to that place where our capabilities are inhibited, where we can't feel the reward feelings. By exploring what feelings are there, we may also gain additional information Let me give you an example. 

This was years ago, and I still remember this because it was so, amazing to me how noticing or fanning out my feelings popped me out of this terrible anger that I had been stuck in. So years ago, I had a small clothing boutique that was open on the weekends so that I could still maintain my private practice. I had kind of lost my mind at this point. I had way too much on my plate. 

And at one point, I had asked a student who helped me out at the shop to cover for me for a weekend that was coming up. Later, I found out that she never showed up and so the store wasn't open. I can tell you I felt livid. I couldn't believe that she just wouldn't show up, that she could be so irresponsible. I was spinning in anger and I kept making it worse by sharing my anger with my friends, going over and over the story. And at one point, I remember I was walking. I can actually picture where I was while I was walking. That's how impactful this experience was for me. And I decided to explore other feelings. And in doing so, I realized that in addition to anger, I also was feeling afraid that my customers would no longer shop at my 

And as I thought about that, I thought, hmm, that might be possible for someone new. And my existing customers were pretty devoted to my store. And I imagine, that what would be more true was that they would feel more worried than angry.

And so that me to let go of that fear. And I still couldn't shake the anger. Then I asked myself about guilt. I checked in to see if there was anything that I felt guilty about. And all of a sudden, it hit me that I had played a big part in this.

This was a busy college student. I had asked her six weeks prior to the weekend when I was going to be away and then never given it another thought. As soon as I realized that, my anger melted away. It just dissipated.

I would never have achieved that relief if I hadn't taken the time to look for other feelings that might have been there. I probably would have continued sharing the story with my friends and all the time increasing the intensity of my anger and my justification for being angry. And looking at the full range of the pain feelings helped me to realize that first of all, I was feeling fear about something that was unlikely to happen and that I had played a big role in what happened.

And in doing that...It helped me let go of the anger. And it wasn't really like I let go of it. It was just really gone when I realized my role in it.

So fanning out our feelings when we are caught up in one of the pain feelings is a way of helping us find a way out of those feelings. It uncovers more information. It, It balances the feelings.

And the other thing that balances those feelings is to look for the reward when we're in the midst of difficult times or feeling difficult feelings, taking time, even moments, to look for gratitude or joy or security can help to balance out those pain feelings and help us to avoid triggering a defensive response. 

So I was pretty tipped when this happened. And so looking for feelings of reward wouldn't have been very effective. Like I said before, when we are in a tipped place, we just don't have access to those feelings. And before we have tipped, taking time to notice beauty, put feelings of gratitude into words, notice and feel awe about the beauty that surrounds us, to feel love and connection. All of these help us not to merge with our feelings.

We're seeing that there's much more, there are many more feelings than the feeling that we were starting with.

So taking a moment throughout your day to look around and find something of beauty that brings you joy or bringing up the image of a loved one and feeling your love for them. This practice can help us stay connected with both the pain and the rewards of life. It's not a guarantee that we won't tip. And it supports our rest and restore state.

or what I've come to call the balanced state, in much the same way that getting enough food supports that state, or enough sleep helps us to stay in balance.

When we're feeling fear, can be particularly helpful to take note of feelings of security. So starting a sentence with, I feel secure that and filling in the blank. Many times this is a hard one because of that tendency to merge with our feelings. If I'm afraid, how could I possibly be secure? And in reality, there's almost always something to feel secure about. For instance, I feel secure right now that I'm sitting in my office.

I might ask if they feel secure that they're sitting on a chair or if they feel secure that today is Wednesday, if it's Wednesday, we want to shine the light of our attention on feelings of security and feel that security to help balance our fear to help keep our whole brain online. 

In doing this, we're not ignoring our fear. We're simply helping to keep our whole brain online so that we have the best chance of figuring out what to do about our fear. 

Many times clients negate the importance of feeling secure, for instance, that they're sitting on a chair or that their feet are solidly touching the floor. And I hear, what difference does that make when I'm feeling afraid that I'm going to lose my job? It's true that knowing that I'm in my office doesn't have the same impact on my life as the potential end of a job.

And it's the feeling of security that's important. When we are merged with our fear, that's all there is. If I'm solely focused on my fear I'm probably going to end up in panic and feeling desperate.

We want to expand what we're noticing. And when we're feeling fear, we want to start somewhere with feeling security. It's almost like priming the pump. You know those pumps they have at the campground where you have to take the handle up and down and up and down before the water comes out? It's kind of like that. We often have to practice putting into words things that we feel secure about because it's not something that we often do. Once we practice with that, the feelings of security starts to flow. 

Oftentimes, when I ask clients to move from feelings of fear to feelings of security, what they end up expressing, are feelings that balance out the fear feelings that they just expressed. For instance, they might have said, I feel afraid to be alone. And in the process of connecting with security, get in touch with feelings of security that they can handle it. It's the both and again. I feel afraid and I feel secure that I will handle it. It may not be easy and I feel secure in the knowledge that I've handled hard things in the past. 

Or I feel afraid of how hard it will be. And I feel secure that I know how to ask for help.

I'm hoping that you're seeing how thinking of our feelings as feelings rather than who we are and putting those feelings into feeling statements and fanning our feelings out can help us connect with our strength and our wisdom.

If you're feeling caught up in anger, as I was, looking at your part of it through feelings of guilt, or even feelings of guilt unrelated to the issue that you're feeling angry about, it helps us to move away from the all-or-nothing of I'm right and you're wrong.

If you are sinking into sadness or depression, expressing feelings of anger can help you to reconnect with your strength.  to come back to anger in another episode, as anger is one that we often struggle with. It's a common one to merge with. When I ask about feelings of anger, I often hear things like, I'm not really an angry person, or I don't really get angry. 

The I'm not really an angry person is a good example of merging with the feeling, having it become our identity or who we are or thinking of it from the perspective of it being our identity. And the I don't really get angry is a good example of how feelings get mixed up with states of being or behaviors associated with feelings. 

And I'm going to stop here because I've shared a lot of information already. I really hope this has been helpful and that when painful feelings surface you will remind yourself that feelings are just feelings and take some time to look for other feelings, especially for those that might balance the pain that you're feeling.

Okay, that's it. I'm going to stop. Take good care until I talk to you again and bye bye.

This has been Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to supporting you in blooming into all you are meant and wish to be. If you enjoyed it and gained value, please consider leaving a review, as it will help other women to find it and please share it with anyone who would benefit from it. And if you would like to be notified when new episodes become available, be sure and follow on your favorite podcast app. Until next time, how will you light a candle of self-acceptance? Because you deserve to be you, even if others disagree.