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If you're tired of feeling never enough, of constantly being derailed by your own fears or the reactions of others, then you are in the right place. I'm Deb, a licensed psychologist, and this is Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to women who've spent their lives trying to stay within the lines of what's acceptable, who've never felt good enough and who are ready to break free and bloom. Let's talk about how you can build a solid foundation connected with your strength and your wisdom. Before we start, I need to make sure that you know that the information I share with you is just that. It's just information. It's not meant to be a prescription for what you should do or meant to replace the advice of any of your healthcare providers. It also doesn't mean that we have a professional client-therapist relationship.

Hi there and welcome. like to continue talking about self-care and ask the question of when you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed or what do you plan for your self-care? Do you plan a night out with friends or maybe a vacation? These are the answers I hear most often when I ask clients, how they will add self-care to their schedule. Don't get me wrong, time with friends is important helps to regulate our nervous system. And of course, stepping away from our usual stressors and vegging out on the beach or spending time with family are both great ways to reset. It just isn't enough. This is where the baby comes in. I once asked a mother what she imagined would happen if she didn't check in with her child about her child's needs for food or for rest. And her answer was instantaneous She said, it would be bad.

 Those who care for babies or young children know that it is much easier to deal with the early signs of distress than it is to wait until a child has gone ballistic. They also know that you can't tell a baby, just wait until I finish this, or that they can't put caring for their baby at the end of list. Well, they could, and it wouldn't be pleasant. Babies don't have the ability to understand that you'll get to them later. What is important to a baby is what is happening right now in this moment, not what is going to happen tomorrow or even an hour from now. This cold, wet diaper is uncomfortable and I'm going to let you know and I'm going to keep letting you know until I get relief.

In many ways, our nervous system is very much like a baby.

The nervous system is like a big communication and command system. It's a system that operates very much in the moment. The system monitors and reacts to external threats like changes in the outside temperature or the presence of predators or other threats. It's also constantly monitoring what's happening inside. For instance, changes in our physiology, like our blood sugar or our levels of hydration. It also responds to thoughts and memories, some of which may not even be our own. I shared in a previous episode https://www.buzzsprout.com/2590484/episodes/18604027 on the pressures to be calm the study of the offspring of mice who had been exposed to an electric shock that had been paired with cherry blossoms who had an aversion to cherry blossoms yet had never experienced the shock. It had been passed down to them from that previous generation. 

Our nervous system sends signals about what is happening inside, signals ranging from pleasant feelings experienced in relaxation or connection to the desperation. panic or rage that is present when our system is dysregulated and we're tipped.

We can calm our nervous system and to do so, we need to pay attention in the moment, a mother risks having an inconsolable child when she ignores her child's needs. If we aren't paying attention, we risk dysregulation in our system. When we put off self-care, we risk a tip into the stress response, which is harder to come back from, or chronic dysregulation when being tipped has become our set point. I'm wondering if you would expect a baby to wait. Imagine being with a screaming baby and thinking, I'll change that diaper next week when I get some time off. Crazy, right?

And yet isn't that what we do to our nervous system when the answer to being overwhelmed, stressed or tired is to plan a vacation? We have to care for our nervous system with the same attention we would give an infant, moment by moment, or at least every few minutes. We need to feed ourselves when we're hungry, use our feelings to notice internal changes, and give our body the rest it needs now and not expect it to hold on until our next vacation or time with friends. 

Sometimes we're just too tipped into the stress response to figure out what we need and we have to take a moment to calm our nervous system first. Two quick and simple tools that clients have found calms their nervous system are the hand on the heart tool and the physiological sigh. Let's start with the physiological sigh first. This practice involves taking two inhales followed by one long exhale.

According to Andrew Huberman, PhD, a neuroscientist who studies stress and relaxation, we have little sacks of air in the lungs that increase the amount of air we can bring in. And these sacks collapse over time, decreasing our oxygen levels and increasing carbon dioxide in the blood. And carbon dioxide in the bloodstream is a large

part of the signaling to the nervous system to mobilize a defensive response.

The physiological sigh involves taking a deep inhale, breathing in through your nose, allowing the air to fill your lungs and expand your belly. And then without exhaling, this is followed by a short inhale again through your nose to fill the lungs as full as possible and then a long exhale, extending the exhale as long as is comfortable, and repeating this sequence several times. The double inhale pops the air sacs open, allowing you to take in more oxygen into your system, and then the long exhale helps you get rid of carbon dioxide and gives the all clear signal to the nervous system, interrupting the defensive response.

Really anything that requires a long exhalation triggers the parasympathetic nervous system and the relaxation response, giving the nervous system the message that all is well. singing, humming, laughing, sighing, all of those things give that same message and the physiological sigh has the added benefits of opening those sacs in the lungs so you can take in more oxygen.

Another quick tool that clients have found calms their nervous system is to put their hand on their heart. Just simply putting it there with no expectation of what should happen. Just being curious. If you're in a place where you can try it, give it a try right now. just put your hand on your heart maybe closing your eyes and just simply noticing, noticing with curiosity and trying not to have expectations of what will happen.

For me right now, I'm noticing a warmth under my hand that feels calming.

I actually noticed myself taking a deep breath and exhaling. Some people notice their shoulders dropping a little bit. Others don't notice anything in the beginning.

And there's really no right or wrong here. Sometimes it takes a while experimenting with this for it to start to have any impact. And sometimes in the beginning, some people feel more tense. If that's happening for you, you're not alone.

I think that oftentimes when that happens, there's some kind of expectation about what should happen, kind of like when we're trying to relax, it kind of gets in the way of relaxing. So if that's happening for you, I'd encourage you to stick with it for a while, just putting your hand on your heart and trying not to have any expectation, just being curious and it may turn out that the hand on the heart tool is not the tool that you'll turn to.

Tapping is another great way of soothing the nervous system. Tapping involves gently tapping on the endpoints of the meridians in the body while expressing whatever is bothering you or what you hope for yourself.

Studies of tapping have consistently shown a decrease in cortisol levels in the blood, and cortisol being one of the stress hormones. And more more research is coming about the effectiveness of tapping helping with a wide variety of issues. Tapping can be especially helpful when you find yourself ruminating about something or feeling really stuck. If you're unfamiliar with tapping, there's some general information on my website and some links for more information. And my website link is in the show notes. Qigong or yoga are other great ways of soothing the nervous system.

I'd encourage you to think about what has been calming to your nervous system. Maybe it's taking a warm bath or drinking a cup of tea.

Take some time and jot down ideas of what you notice has been calming. Feeling compassion and accepting for yourself is another great way of calming your nervous system. Think of how good it feels when someone acknowledges your struggles or shares compassion with you. Maybe saying something like, of course this would be hard, or of course you would be struggling taking a moment to validate your struggles and share the kind of caring that I bet you share with others automatically. I bet you already know how to do this. And if you're struggling with how to do it or what to say, think about what you would say to a good friend in your situation.

Most often attending to your nervous system as if it were a baby so attending to it in the moment versus planning something in the future doesn't come naturally. New mothers learn to be attuned to their babies. They pay attention to them with enough frequency to understand what different cries mean, and they also learn about their babies' requirements for needs like sleep and food. It might be easier for us if we had a screaming baby inside of us to get our attention and

Having a screaming nervous system is what we want to try to avoid if we can. By the time our bodies are screaming, our system has moved into dysregulation, or as I like to describe it, we've tipped. We want to get good at noticing early signs of need in the body. So for instance, for me, a sign that my body needs fuel is feeling tired.

or having low energy. This often happens long before my stomach starts growling.

To get good at noticing the early signs, most of us have to be intentional about how we're going to do this, at least in the beginning. We have to plan how we're going to do it.

You might take a moment each hour or several times a day to stop and connect and notice what's happening inside and making sure to give yourself what you notice you need as soon as possible.

Noticing what you need and not doing anything to meet that need isn't very helpful.

in my women's group, I used to often give the example of having a child come up to me and telling me they were sad and then responding, that's nice, thanks for telling me, and then turning away and going on with my day. It often brought a chuckle to the members of my group and that's exactly what we do when we notice what we need and don't give ourself what we need.

Think of that baby with the wet diaper. When I was learning the skill of connecting with myself, I was often getting ready for bed and realized that I hadn't connected a single time that day. You may be better at remembering new things than I was. And for most people, a plan is essential in the beginning. So you might schedule it on your calendar. You might put it...

on your phone, put an alarm on your phone. You might pair it with other activities like having a meal, getting in and out of your car. Washing your hands has been one that many people have found to be helpful. It's something we do many times a day and often there's a mirror there and so we can see ourselves. And so that can be a trigger to check in.

and notice what's happening and what our needs might be in that moment. Other people have worn a piece of jewelry that's new and gets their attention. Others have put up sticky notes. Use whatever works for you. Over time, connecting will become more automatic, just like all other habits that we develop. And If you struggle remembering to do this, you might start by reflecting on your day and noticing times when you needed care. You might even imagine that scene in your mind yourself giving yourself the care that you needed. Our body doesn't differentiate between real and imagined experience.

And so by vividly imagining you are practicing and giving your brain and body the experience of having given yourself care.

The more vividly you can imagine this using all of your senses and really being in the experience as if it's already happened of noticing a need and following through with care, the more impact your imagery will have.

As I wind up, I wonder what you will do. I wonder how thinking about caring for a baby might influence your own self-care. How would a baby react or thrive or not thrive if you considered its care optional rather than a requirement? What will you do to make sure that you're paying attention to the baby living inside you? I hope thinking about a baby has been a helpful way of thinking about self-care. I'd love to hear your reactions.

Until next time, take good care and I'll talk to you then. Bye bye.

This has been Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to supporting you in blooming into all you are meant and wish to be. If you enjoyed it and gained value, please give it a like and consider leaving a review, as both will help other women to find it. And please share it with anyone who would benefit from it.

And if you would like to be notified when new episodes become available, be sure and follow on your favorite podcast app. Until next time, how will you light a candle of self-acceptance? Because you deserve to be you, even if others disagree.