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If you're tired of feeling never enough, of constantly being derailed by your own fears or the reactions of others, then you are in the right place. I'm Deb, a licensed psychologist, and this is Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to women who've spent their lives trying to stay within the lines of what's acceptable, who've never felt good enough and who are ready to break free and bloom. Let's talk about how you can build a solid foundation connected with your strength and your wisdom. Before we start, I need to make sure that you know that the information I share with you is just that. It's just information. It's not meant to be a prescription for what you should do or meant to replace the advice of any of your healthcare providers. It also doesn't mean that we have a professional client-therapist relationship.

Hi there and welcome. In this episode, I want to talk about another set of lines that often come to define us. And that is the idea that we should be calm. That if we're doing things right, living right, eating right, et cetera, we will be calm. I cringe with this one almost as much as the lines of expectations around thinness. As with most things, the media has played a huge role in our beliefs.

And a good idea, the idea that relaxation would be good for our body has morphed into a picture of how we should be or the lines that we need to be within to be doing well.

This is particularly scary today, I think, because anyone and everyone, including me, can share information and often does. You may be too young to remember this. And when I was growing up, there was this game we used to play. I think it was called the telephone game. It was often played at parties. And one person would share something with the next person who would share it with the person sitting next to them and so it would go around the room until it gets to the last person, and then that person shares out loud what they heard. And it's a funny game that usually leads to lots of laughter, as what comes out is often very different from what the first person said. in some ways, I think that is what has happened with expectation that we should be calm in order to be doing well. 

Our bodies are not designed to be calm all the time. They're not designed to be keyed up all the time either. And I'll come back to that probably in another episode. And I don't think we would have survived as a species if we were designed to stay calm all the time. Yes, some of us are calmer than others, and my hunch is that diversity has allowed us to survive. If we were all serenely sitting around the campfire, who would notice the twig breaking?

or be possibly worrying about things that they notice during the day that need to be checked out? Like who would be worrying about the lion tracks that keep showing up near the camp and worrying that possibly a lion is stalking the camp?

If there was no one doing that, I don't know how we would have survived. And you probably have heard of this, have been recently many studies showing that the trauma or stress of previous generations can impact future generations.

So my original reaction to this was, how sad for those future generations. And I still feel that. And then I started thinking about how clever nature is, or God, or however you understand the mastermind behind this amazing world that we're a part of. Like how amazing it is to pass on the knowledge of danger to future generations.

Like that's probably how we have survived.

Let me give you an example of this. Scientists conditioned mice to associate the smell of cherry blossoms with an electric shock. And naturally they came to associate the smell of cherry blossoms with the shock, and the smell alone elicited fear. And this is the fascinating part. They then studied their offspring and the offspring in the next generation, so the grandpups of the mice that were given the shock, and both of the next generations also had heightened sensitivity to the smell of cherry blossoms, even though neither one of those generations had ever been exposed to the shock.

So through genetics, future generations were conditioned to be afraid of something which had been dangerous. Isn't that fascinating? And it kind of goes against the notion that we should be calm to be okay, doesn't it? It doesn't sound like we are designed that way.

There was also this interesting study conducted in Israel, and this researcher's hypothesis was that having an anxious temperament was favored by evolution. His hypothesis was that anxiety serves an evolutionary purpose. He thought that there couldn't be or there wouldn't be so many people struggling with anxiety. It's actually the most commonly seen mental health concern and he provided the percentage of the population and I don't have that number with me and it was significant anyway and his hypothesis was that if anxiety was a detrimental trait it would have been weeded out by evolution as what is is what typically happens things that don't support our survival typically are weeded out

instead of becoming such a commonly occurring trait. So he conducted this study to test that theory. He already knew the attachment styles of the participants. And then he had them socializing in this room where a computer started smoking. I'm not sure why a computer would start smoking, but anyway, that was what happened.

And then he studied the responses of the different attachment styles. And those who were anxious were the first to notice the smoke coming from the computer. And they were the ones who sounded the alarm. Those with an avoidant temperament just got up and headed for an exit. And what happened was that a bunch of people followed them out. So that style up leading other people to safety. The securely attached group was relaxed and chatting, and they were the very last to notice that anything was going on. became aware, then they took over a leadership role.

So the anxious group set everything in motion. Now, please know that I understand that anxiety is uncomfortable. I've experienced it myself and I know it's no fun. And as one of my clients shared with me, she said, that's great. And I'm not sure I want that role. So, I'm certainly not saying what my sister would say when I was uncomfortable with how much she was perfume she was wearing, she would say, just suffer and be still. I'm not saying that at all. And I will certainly talk about other strategies for dealing with anxiety in another episode. And in this episode, I really want to focus on the shoulds or the expectations we have that we should be calm because there really are some major problems with this. First of all, our body is not designed to always be calm. 

And with anxiety, this is particularly problematic because the more worried we are about our symptoms the more symptoms we're going to have and the more anxious and unacceptable we'll feel.

The second problem is that we misinterpret the help our body is trying to give us. And so we miss out on that help and really end up shooting ourselves in the foot. When we're facing a challenge, our body is designed to gear up to help us. So when I'm about to give a speech, my heart is supposed to beat faster.

It's helping to move blood to my brain so that I can focus and think. And I don't know about you. And I often feel that beating and think, no, this is going to be bad. I'm already anxious. And how am I going to talk? Or what if my hands are shaking when I turn the pages of my notes? Or what if my face gets all red and everyone can tell that I'm nervous? What's happening?

when I'm reacting that way. Doesn't that sound like a signal of danger? I like to think of it as our nervous system is always listening, ready to help us face whatever it is that we're facing. When we're facing a challenge, like giving a speech, there's actually a different ratio of stress hormones that is released to help us in a different way the ratio of hormones that is released when we're facing a threat.

Unfortunately, most of us misinterpret that gearing up of our body that is designed to help us face a challenge as being a threat. So, when I gave that example about my heart beating before a speech, I misinterpreted that as a threat, like, no, this is going to be bad. Something terrible is going to happen.

I'm going to be judged; I'm going to fail. So, I turn the challenge into a threat and my nervous system switches over its reaction to the threat response

When we're in the fear response, when we're in the response to a threat, our capabilities change. We lose the very capabilities that we need to face the challenges that we face in life, like giving a speech. We need to be able to think. And unfortunately, that's one of the abilities that goes offline.

If my life is in danger, I don't want to be standing around thinking. So, gearing up in our body often results in a poor performance, not because of the gearing up, because of the appraisal of the gearing up. It's the appraisal of the gearing up that resulted in the poor performance because it led to a switching over of the type of response in our body. 

Let me give you a client example to make that more real. I worked with a woman who had terrible anxiety. She would become paralyzed by the onset of her heart racing and other physical changes that she noticed.

One day I happen to remember that this woman swam competitively in high school. And so I asked her to close her eyes and imagine herself back on those starting blocks when she was in a swim meet before the race started. And I asked her to pay attention to what was happening in her body.

And all of a sudden, this big grin showed up on her face. And she opened her eyes and she said, huh, I wasn't calm at all. In fact, I felt the same way that I feel now when I get afraid of my anxiety. So it clicked for her the symptoms that she was now defining as anxiety felt totally normal at that time when she was on the starting blocks. mean, if you watch athletes before a race, they're not like perfectly calm. They're often shaking their legs and moving around. They're not in a calm place. The body's gearing up to be ready. So this didn't automatically cure her of her anxiety. Of course not.

This woman had a history of trauma and probably a genetic tendency that primed her system to react to possible danger more quickly than maybe the rest of us. And what it did is help her to stop making things worse. I think that's what I'm hoping to nudge you to think about. How striving not to be anxious or expecting yourself to be calm has the potential to make things worse.

Let me share another interesting study before I wind up. This was a study I read about in Dr. Kelly McGonigal's book, The Upside of Stress, which by the way is a great read.

This study was conducted by the Department of Veteran Affairs and it followed more than 100,000 adults for 10 years. At the beginning of the study, participants were asked how they dealt with stress. Those who reported trying to avoid stress became more depressed during the following decade.

They also experienced more conflict at home and at work and more negative outcomes like getting fired or divorced. Wherever participants were at the beginning of the study, the tendency to avoid stress made things worse for them. 

I share this with you as this is my fear about what's happening with our expectations regarding being calm, that we're setting ourself up for this same type of scenario, that we may be damaging our health, our relationships, because of our appraisal of what it means not to be calm, when in fact, our body isn't designed to always be calm.

By trying to stay calm, these adults had worsening symptoms and experiences. And here's the thing with anxiety, the more fearful of it we become, the worse it becomes. Anxiety isn't a malfunctioning of our bodies. Our bodies are responding as they're designed to do, either to help us meet a challenge or face a threat.

Sadly, due to our history, or possibly our ancestors' history, some of us have nervous systems that are more quick to react. And how we react to that reaction determines what will happen next. Please know that I'm not lumping all struggles with anxiety into the same pile. If you have a history of trauma, or are struggling with a debilitating anxiety disorder, please reach out and get support from a therapist in your area. 

And for most of us, rethinking our expectations or those lines that we expect ourselves to stay in around being calm could be a worthwhile endeavor. As women, we have often been conditioned to look outside of ourselves for approval and to ensure that we're acceptable. We get so used to turning our care out to others. In fact, I often hear when I'm talking about self-care, I can do it for everyone else except myself. 

I think what that might mean when it comes to anxiety is that we haven't learned to pay attention with the same kind of kindness, curiosity, and care that we give to others.

Wouldn't you handle it differently if your child was all wound up for their birthday party than you would if they were scared about a monster in their closet? Would you freak out because of their excitement or berate them for being scared? Or would you expect a child or a good friend to always be calm? And if they were, wouldn't that be a bit boring?

I wonder what you might discover if the next time you feel anxious, you looked at yourself with the same kindness and curiosity that most likely happens automatically with a friend or with a child. You sense what's happening for them. Maybe you sense that they're excited with a geared-up body or that they're afraid.

And what do you do? Do you join in the excitement? Maybe you take their hand and offer comfort. What would happen? What might happen if you offered yourself that same kindness and curiosity? If maybe you experimented or just stuck your toe in the water outside the lines of the expectation that you shouldn't be anxious that you should be calm and looked at yourself with that same kindness and curiosity that you so freely share with those that you care about.

That's it for this episode. If you would like to learn more about dealing with worries and the body's responses to stress,

I have a new course that is currently half price that deals with those topics and it is linked in the show notes. Until next time, take good care and I'll talk to you then. Bye bye.

This has been Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to supporting you in blooming into all you are meant and wish to be. If you enjoyed it and gained value, please give it a like and consider leaving a review, as both will help other women to find it. And please share it with anyone who would benefit from it.

if you would like to be notified when new episodes become available, be sure and follow on your favorite podcast app. Until next time, how will you light a candle of self-acceptance? Because you deserve to be you, even if others disagree.