Episode three— Why self-acceptance?

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If you're tired of feeling never enough, of constantly being derailed by your own fears or the reactions of others, then you are in the right place. I'm Deb, a licensed psychologist, and this is Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to women who've spent their lives trying to stay within the lines of what's acceptable, who've never felt good enough and who are ready to break free and bloom. Let's talk about how you can build a solid foundation connected with your strength and your wisdom. Before we start, I need to make sure that you know that the information I share with you is just that. It's just information. It's not meant to be a prescription for what you should do or meant to replace the advice of any of your healthcare providers. It also doesn't mean that we have a professional client-therapist relationship.

Hi there and welcome. I decided that since I brought up self-acceptance in my last episode, that it might be a good topic for this week. There are so many reasons that self-acceptance is important and also so many reasons that we tend to feel resistant to it, that it seems worth the time to look at the whole idea of self-acceptance more closely.

The interesting thing about this topic, as I bet will be true when I talk about self-compassion, is that in talking with women over the years, women tend to feel very differently about acceptance when it comes to others than they do about feeling it for themselves. It's so much easier to accept and be there for someone else who is struggling than it is for ourselves, isn't it? I mean, if a friend just lost her temper with her kids, would you berate her? I bet not. I reassure her that it will be okay, that we've all lost our temper at times. And when you lose your temper, I'm betting it's a totally different picture. I know it certainly was for me earlier in my life and can still be depending upon the state of my brain. If you're unfamiliar with brain states, stay tuned. I will definitely talk more about them in the future. And if you don't want to wait until then, I've put a link for my courses below in the notes. So the good news is we already know how to be accepting when it comes to the people we care about. The less good news is that it takes conscious effort to learn to feel self-acceptance for ourselves. I'll mention this over and over and the brain is all about efficiency. And what that means is that there is a preference in the brain to use routes or pathways that are already established and well-traveled, or to do what we've always done, or as what I typically refer to as business as usual.

The ultimate goal is to be able to see ourselves with caring so that we can give ourselves the care that we need, whether it is through nurturing or setting limits. And the first step is to be able to see ourselves just as we are without the types of judgments that tip us out of balance and lead to all kinds of struggles.

When we can start to see ourselves or connect with ourselves right where we are, not where we think we should be, with both acceptance and compassion, it opens the door to our inner wisdom, to our intuition, our connection with others, and the spiritual. And all of this really has to do with our brain state.

Along with self-compassion, I think of self-acceptance as being the fertilizer that's necessary for us to blossom and bloom. When you accept yourself with kindness, your system calms. And when our system is calm, we're in a state of receptivity. We can take in and observe what's happening. We can reflect on the information we're observing, both from inside of us and outside of us. We can be curious and consider different perspectives, maybe different ways we might do or approach something that we're struggling with. We can feel inspired. And we can also feel the support that is there around us. None of that is possible when our system is in defense. Not feeling that you are acceptable or good enough distress-inducing. And being in distress limits our capabilities rather than enhancing them.

So there's many benefits of being accepting, accepting where we are. I think of accepting as seeing ourself with 20/20 vision, just where we are right now in this moment without judgment. And that this moment, accepting ourselves in this moment has nothing to do with where we'll be in the future, or even an hour from now.

And having worked with so many women who found it hard to accept themselves and also having felt that way myself, I'm imagining that you might not quite be sold on this whole idea of self-acceptance. And I wonder if it might have to do with believing that there are things that you would need to change first before you could accept yourself.

Would it be ~ accept yourself right now just as you are? Are you thinking, how could I possibly accept myself at this weight when I'm so anxious, when I'm this reactive, when I don't have a relationship, when I don't work out, and on and on and on? 

And then my experience of what typically happens is that awareness of all of those ways that we don't measure up leads to a fear that if I accept myself, that things will stay the same, that I'm just accepting that, that I'm giving up.

And really self acceptance has nothing to do with that. Self acceptance has nothing to do with change or what will happen in the future. Like I said a moment ago, it really is just seeing ourself right now with 20/20 vision. It's such a commonly held belief that we need to crack the whip and push ourselves if we're going to change.

 And does that work? Well, has it worked for you? In my experience, it doesn't work very well. And the research supports that. And It turns out that compassion and acceptance provide a much better medium for growth and change than being hard on ourselves.

And I'm going to talk more about that in a future episode when I talk about compassion. And if we can't accept ourselves, it's hard to feel compassion. And that's why I wanted to start with acceptance. If you know my work, you know that I often use children to illustrate a point. Most people can easily see something in an example with a child that they might miss in themselves. 

If you don't have children, try putting yourself in the role of the child in this example. So imagine a child trying to learn something and they're struggling. Maybe they can't get their homework. Maybe they're working on a craft or an art project and they just can't do it. And a parent says, What is wrong with you? Why can't you get this? It's not that hard.

What do you imagine might happen for the child?

I imagine they might freeze, they might burst into tears, they might get angry and stomp out.

And if you put yourself in the place of the child, how would you feel?

I don't know about you and I would be too stressed to think or to perform. When I feel on the spot like I should know something that I don't, I tend to get that deer in the headlights feel. Thinking or moving forward feels impossible. I just feel paralyzed.

 Isn't it easier to learn when you feel safe and it feels okay to be where you are in the process?

So let's continue with the child example. Let's imagine this is your child. Would you only accept your child if they were popular or thin or calm or smart?

You might want those things for your child, and I doubt your acceptance and your love for your child would be conditional on success or achievement. Now, for you parents out there, please don't be beating yourself up for the times when you haven't felt accepting. I'm imagining those times reflect the stress in your life and likely a change in your brain state.

And I'm also imagining that acceptance is what you want to have for your child, even though none of us are perfect in being who we want to be. And with that caveat, let's go back to the child on the receiving end of the message that they need to be doing better in order to be accepted.

I'm sure some of you already know the answer to this because you experienced it. It's stressful. I mentioned in a previous episode that I'm an introvert and I grew up feeling a great deal of pressure to change that—to be more social, stop doing the solitary activities that I enjoyed so much. I'm quite sure my parents had no knowledge of introverts and extroverts and didn't realize that my internal wiring was different than that of my siblings. I felt paralyzed by the fear that there was something wrong with me.

And I also felt paralyzed about how to do it differently, how to be different than who I was. ⁓

 And another problem that enters the picture when acceptance is tied to achievement is how do you know you've arrived at that place where you can accept yourself when you're good enough to accept yourself, when you're thin, calm, confident?

on and on enough to be acceptable.

My experience is, and I shared this with you before, is that striving for something usually leads to more striving. We're never quite there, never quite popular enough, calm enough, self-assured enough, thin enough. And it seems like one fix often leads to something else that needs fixing.

Now that I'm more confident, shouldn't I be looking for a better job? Shouldn't I be out there looking for a partner?

Please know that I'm not saying there's anything wrong with continuing to grow or change. That's not at all what I'm saying. It's just that when being okay and lovable is based on some achievement or attribute, when is it good enough? And is it possible to be good enough?

if that's not who you are.

If it's an achievement, won't there always be one more hill where the grass will be greener on the other side?

When I think about the striving I did in my own life, what I was really seeking was something that came as a result of those other things. I was seeking peace and security. And I thought that achieving those goals, what I was striving for, would get me there.

I never found that peace through all that striving.

For me, it was self-acceptance and compassion that opened the door to both more peace and security. I say more because peace and security are feelings. And like all feelings, they come and go, which is a topic for another episode.

When you are dependent on achievements or accolades from outside, from others, in order to feel acceptable, there really is very little peace or security. There are always the what ifs. What if I lose this job? What if my partner or my spouse leaves me? What if I can't lose this weight?

Or heaven forbid I regain it. Or my anxiety comes back.

When my okayness is rooted in achievements or in the approval that comes from outside of myself, I'm going to be constantly love striving to be good enough, to be accepted.

On the other hand, if my okayness is rooted in my wisdom, my truth, my beliefs, it doesn't mean that life is always easy. It means that you trust yourself to be there for yourself, to show up.

Knowing that you will show up and be there for yourself is huge. It makes it so much easier to face the uncertainties of life. It's like having your own built-in support system, cheerleader, security blanket, and roadmap.

And when we're anchored in our center, when our okayness comes from inside us, we can create healthy relationships that are supportive and sustainable. If my security comes from inside me, I don't need you to make me be okay.

I can be me and let you be you. And I can ask for what I need because I'm connected with myself and so I know what I need. And I don't need to keep you happy to be okay.

If you are unwilling to give me what I need, I know how to be there for myself. It probably will still hurt. And if I can support myself with kindness, I have a better chance of keeping old wires from lighting up and turning a simple no to a request into a measure of how lovable or okay I am.

There's so much more I could say about this. And I'm going to stop here to keep my promise of these being short. So I hope what I've shared has been helpful. Take care, and I will talk to you next time. Bye bye.

This has been Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to supporting you in blooming into all you are meant and wish to be. If you enjoyed it and gained value, please give it a like and consider leaving a review, as both will help other women to find it. And please share it with anyone who would benefit from it.

If you would like to be notified when new episodes become available, be sure and subscribe. Until next time, how will you light a candle of self-acceptance? Because you deserve to be you, even if others disagree.